A Letter to Erstwhile Benefactors

Dear Oprah and/or Tyra Banks,

Let me begin by saying that I respect what you do. At least, I think I do. Even though your audience had to pay taxes on the cars you gave them, I support your policy of giving away free shit. So here’s my wish list in case you can get around to it:

- A new computer for my dad
- New fabric scissors for my sister
- A new camera for my brother
- A headstone for my mother
- Start up capital for a magazine
- A set of quality speakers
- A Playstation 3
- A hybrid minivan
- Some truffles
- A lightsaber

I know the last one isn’t real, but maybe you know some people who know some people. The rest, I think, are doable.

I’ll even come to the studio to pick it all up. But I will not, under any conditions, pay taxes.

Thank you,
- Laurence Wooster